Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.