Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.