Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot