I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.