I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
