Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

☺️

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.