I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Just say no
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far