Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too