I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
no exceptions
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”