Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

no exceptions

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.