I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.