I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.