Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Natty or not?

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”