Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?