Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

My life in a nutshell

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed