Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…