Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

He instantly became one of the bros

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol