Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies