I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.