Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them