I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
But is it really??
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.