I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”