Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”