Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Baristas need to make a living wage because every time I work up a rapport with one enough to give me a friends & family discount, they end up leaving for a higher paying gig and I’m back to full priced lattes

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs