@TheAlexNevil

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

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@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

@Jandalize

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.

@DaveTheAlbino

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?

@LuckoftheDraw86

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

@shutupmikeginn

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@ClichedOut

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@simoncholland

This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.