I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
You Might Also Like
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
She: I like Cats
He:
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate