I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮![]()
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
OMG 🤣🤣