I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
