I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Only Americans understand
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar