Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

bought wrong eggs

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…