Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum