i don’t miss calls i stare at them
You Might Also Like
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face