i don’t miss calls i stare at them
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Jupiter
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children