I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.