Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”