I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
