Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Art by Pastelkatto

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

This was a bad idea all around

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.