Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

“you changed” bro i was 15

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.