I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.