I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”