I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.