I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.