I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.