Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

😂😭

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

No flush

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school