I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.