Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Aight bet

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I’m not proud

Best misinterpreted text ever!

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines