I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
You Might Also Like
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it