I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

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all this spending on black friday… better pay your electricity bill first or next friday will be black friday too


Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me


This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.


“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…


Always the best looking one in the room.
**Restroom stall whatever


The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.


why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries


her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen