@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

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@wizdsgn

all this spending on black friday… better pay your electricity bill first or next friday will be black friday too

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

@BoutCrazed

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@TedBundybitch

Always the best looking one in the room.
*Restroom
**Restroom stall whatever

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@olivialoughlin3

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen