I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
2022 will be better than 2021
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.