I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.