Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.