I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek