I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
our love story in four pictures
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
God tier horse name today on the sims
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
it’s the silliest best thing
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.