I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You Might Also Like
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.