I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You Might Also Like
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
How actors in movies eat their food
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.