When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius