I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/

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The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.


*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*


Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap


[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

[turns into bat and flies away]


I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.




The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good


Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.