Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

scared to check what name she chose

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.