Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s an epidemic…

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

LMFAOOOO

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.