I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one