Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”