I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My dad is at it again
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.