Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

That was easy.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”