Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”