I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves