Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

[montage of me giving-up]

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.