I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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nature’s most graceful animal
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.