I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me too
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here