I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.


What are WE?

What are WE gonna do?

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!


pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.


*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh


[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth


If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.


Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!


The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?


When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”