Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

#Caturday

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

😤😤

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree