Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

👾👾👾

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Meat Cute

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”