I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud