I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?