I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Orange is oranging 🟠
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
