I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger