@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

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@yasminTBH

An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe

@DLin71

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

@Tbone7219

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@suburbanified

‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.