“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

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An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe


TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*


My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.


If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth


‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)


When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.