Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”