I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it