Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

That’s what I call a flat tire

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Thoughts

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.