Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

God has abandoned us.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.