Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

put ‘er there pardner!

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.