my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[on the phone with escort service]
No, no, no. I JUST want someone to lick the barbecue sauce out of my beard.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.