@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

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@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

@nice_mustard

endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

@TheIntComShow

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

@xLiserx

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.