@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

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@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

@PFitzpa

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

@ClichedOut

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@BeardedRambles

[on the phone with escort service]

No, no, no. I JUST want someone to lick the barbecue sauce out of my beard.

Hello? Hello?

@heidi420x

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

@sarbadi

I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.