I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct