Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Happy Febuary everyone!

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet